The Area Code Evaluation System

Sick of guys and girls overhearing you while you judge them? Me too. The basic 1-10 thing is boring. So is calling out the number of drinks it would take to engage that certain someone. So what do we, as long as we're not registered republicans, do? We evolve, baby! Welcome to the area code evaluation system. Three numbers: First one is face (judged 1-9, 9 being the highest), then the fornication factor (1 for yes, 0 for no), lastly body (1-9, same as face). It's comprehensive and inconspicuous. Por ejemplo:

Marisa Miller: 919

Adele: 501

Chastity vs. Chaz Bono: Chastity 302. Chaz 402?

David Guest/Liza Minelli wedding party: 107s all around. Liz Taylor gets a 102.

Thanks P-Dubs for the inspiration ;)

Sex vs. Professionalism :: Who ya got?

I got a massage while on vacation. Trips to the parlor are always interesting. I feel like using the word parlor is super sketchy, too. It just gives the impression that the phrase "happy ending" is included. Not so in this case, sadly. My buddy had a spot on South Beach that he swore by. Before I digress, I want to state, for the record, that we were in separate rooms and no cialis-type bathtubs were harmed during our trip to the parlor.
My friend had set up appointments with two female masseuses. We arrived, got some water, and waited to see our rubdown rewards. Two females. Well, one and half. One was typical for Miami: Latin, dark skinned, voluptuous, and a sexy accent. The other was tall, huge frame, maybe of eastern-european descent, and could've competed for a job on the Dolphins offensive line.
They walk out, open two doors, and say, "whenever you're ready gentlemen."
My buddy jumps off the couch like he's getting timed in the 40-yard dash and beelines it into the Latin's room. I look around for shoulder-pads and think about how I'm going to avoid getting sacked. I smile and walk sheepishly into Helga's room.
Fast forward an hour.  My kinks are out. Olga's man-hands were magical. My buddy claims he was fighting a chub the whole time and couldn't really relax, counteracting the whole goal of a massage. I brought up Seinfeld, specifically when the Yankee's feel George needs a secretary. He decides to ignore all the male instincts in his brain and hire based on professionalism over sexuality. I thanked my buddy for being a typical pig and making the mistake 99% of us would've made. Sometimes it pays to be a little slow :)

Sunglasses :: Warby Parker

Before landing in Miami, i needed some new sunglasses. They're probably the most important accessorry one can own in the Magic City. I like a new brand with a good story. I also want a high quality product that looks good, too. Warby Parker, named by combining two Jack Kerouac character names, nails everything. They started as a perscription sunglass outlet, but now produce some of the highest quality polarized sunglasses for everyone, no prescription required! The best part? They're under a $100 with free shipping, home try-ons, and returns! ZZ Top won't write a song about them, but I feel like they should. I'll upload some pics when my iPad feels like cooperating.

Get Ready!

Gearing up to go back to where it all started.

Miami.

Starting Wednesday...

Mr. Rager Official Music Video :: Kid Cudi

I love all kinds of music. If you see my twitter  , you know I could be watching Phish live online one night, preview the new Jay-Z/Kanye later, listen to the Strokes in my car, watch a documentary on Bob Dylan, and go to sleep listening to Miles Davis. Music is more rewarding the more you invest in it. I saw this video yesterday and thought, "This is music video. This, aesthetically, keeps my attention for 5-plus minutes and has a big-budget, dramatic feel to it. It has choreography, allbeit simple & generic. The endings are predictable, but it's a music video in the new millennium, so I let that slide. The leather jacket reminds me of 'Thiller' with the patch-work. Kid is killin' that!"

I listened to this song a lot this summer because I thought the tick-tock beat was sick. Turns out the video might be just as good. Who would've thought in 2011? Watch it on full screen.


Turns out Tom Brady Came out with a new video too: an ad for Uggs. I'm ashamed of this and I don't even know the guy. But, although I am a huge fan, I have to take off my New England hat and call this what it really is; fuckin atrocious! I like the decision for Mos Def for background music, but that's where it ends. You want me to believe that Tom runs around California all day in different Uggs? It's disgusting. And the weird looks towards the camera make me think Tom watched Zoolander before they started recording. When you're the MVP of the league the previous year you get some leeway, but you need to get on the super bowl ship again to star in ads like this. At least there wasn't a goat involved this time.


Have a great weekend! ;)

PUMA x Undefeated :: Nylon Ripstop "Clydes"

The newest edition to Puma’s collaboration with Undefeated is a set of Nylon Ripstop Clydes (NRC’s) that hit stores this Saturday, September 10th. This simple military twist to the PUMA Clyde comes in four wearable colors for fall.

I love Puma. These mesh that classic Clyde design with some great material for Fall/Winter, especially with all the rain the Northeast has been getting. 

For a little more insight into the NRC read the Q&A with Eddie Cruz of Undefeated below:

Q. Can you tell us about the design inspiration behind the latest drop in the PUMA x Undefeated collaboration?
A. Military gear has been seeing a revival for the past couple of seasons; we wanted to build on this and looked to military inspired fabrics to transform the Clyde. The NRC’s are made from a high-quality Ripstop material.

Q. What design challenges did you run into with the NRC’s?
A. It actually went pretty smooth. The first samples came out a little shiny, but were corrected by using a matted Nylon Ripstop instead. We are very happy with the end results. I think our mission was accomplished with this Clyde. It’s simple, wearable and it has a twist

Q. How do you feel this drop compares to the first two releases in the PUMA x Undefeated Collection – The Stripe-Off Clydes and The Cali Canvas Clydes?
A. There’s no comparison at all. Since it’s a collection, we wanted to make sure we did something different for every drop, while still keeping it cohesive, especially since we’re only working with one style – The Clyde.

Q. How do you feel these Clydes fit into other fall trends you are seeing in the marketplace?
A. Aside from the pearl white, we went with darker colors that fit right in. Olive, Navy and Black. Most importantly, people love breaking out their technical jackets in the fall. This Clyde is definitely complimented by a nice technical waterproof jacket.

[via Highsnobiety]

Turning NFL Misfortune into Personal Fortune

The Worst Eight Teams in the NFL are listed below. Take advantage of their misfortune in the first 6-8 weeks of the season and build yourself a nice bankroll. I always feel like after week 6 the books get real sharp. It's dangerous to hang around after that, but if you get a good read on these teams early, you might be able to get some great value after week 6 when the books start giving these underdogs insane amounts of points.

Let's go through the failure alphabetically:

Even w/ a money last name
it'll be hard to win for Fitz

Buffalo Bills- No ownership, no money, no consistency, no coaches, barely any players, bad stadium, worse weather. Play in a division with the Patriots and Jets. Also play the NFC-East this year, meaning they could have a decent team and still lose 8 games with ease. They still haven't figured out that in order to have success in the NFL, you have to have a solid Quarterback. Fortunately for Bills fans, there are about 12 other teams that share their incompetence at fielding the position. Maybe the Bills "Suck to get [Andrew] Luck," throwing their season down the drain in an attempt to draft the #1 QB in college. While it might be hard to back a team you think "might win", it's fun to go against a team that you know are masters of futility. This team needs a new owner and new location to have success. I need a new house and I needed it yesterday. Let's start the insanity!

1st of many oblivious stares
while putting up 6.
For the other team. 

Chicago Bears- Yeah, they were in the NFC title game last year, but they were 7-3 in games decided by less than 7 points too. Three of those wins came against teams who were forced to use their 3rd-string QB! This won't happen again. Jay Cutler was sixth in the league in interceptions with 16 and led the league by taking 52 sacks! At least 6 members of the D are going to be over 30 this year. They just picked up Patriots cast-off Brandon Merriweather b/c they have no depth in their scondary. OH! and the NFL took away Chicago's "Devin Hester playmaking ability" (25.4 yds a kick return) and field positioning by basically eliminating kick returns. It's ok Chicago, at least you'll have the weather.

Cincinnati Bengals- uh, it's Cincy? They're nicknamed the Bungals? Last time they drafted a QB, his name was Carson Palmer. He'd just won the Heisman Trophy for then-powerhouse USC. They didn't start him as a rookie because you don't start rookie QBs unless you're fucking desperate. This year, Cincy is starting rookie Andy Dalton because he went to TCU and didn't win the Heisman. At least they can lean on the run game and Cedric Benson, when he's not in jail. The proverbial jury is deciding when he'll be back. They didn't re-sign [DB] Jonathan Joseph because he was their best defensive player and costs money. Who needs the guy when your defense gets to the opposing QB on only 5% of passing plays? But they did extended [coach] Marvin Lewis' contract because his tenure has been so stellar there. Can I apply for the Cincinnati GM position after writing that paragraph?

Jacksonville Jaguars- Worse defense than Cincy's when it comes to getting to the QB (4.5%), have spent the last few years botching one draft after another, and have been worse in free agency. They gave up 2 draft picks to move up and overpay acquire QB Blaine Gabbert (see also: Andy Dalton, Cincy Bengals) to replace David Garrard, the only player (besides Maurice Jones-Drew) who performs with any type of consistency. I'm not saying he's in the upper echelon of QBs, but he completed 65% of his passes last year, which is a lot better than some of the other teams on this list. Didn't matter, the Jags said, "screw it" and cut Garrard (to save $9m) only to announce they will start......Luke McCown. Wait, what? The Jags were 8-8 last year, 5-2 in games decided by a touchdown or less, and one of those games was the "Hail Mary" catch as time expired. You have to go against them. It's science.

Miami Dolphins- Not a horrible team, but the NFL is a quarterback league. Notice a trend with all the aforementioned squads on the list? Well, Miami starts [QB] Chad Henne, who doesn't have the backfield of Ronnie Brown and "Sticky" Ricky Williams that he used to lean on.  The Dolphins play the Patriots, Texans, Browns, Chargers, and Jets in the first five weeks. Their misfortune in the first 5 weeks could pay off the rest of your mortgage if the numbers are right. Then you could sell your house to [Dolphin's Coach] Tony Sparano. He'll be looking for a new one by then.

Seattle Seahawks- A team that made the playoffs last year with a losing record of 7-9 despite [statistically] playing the easiest schedule last year! They played two games within a touchdown or less, and won both of them. They also got outscored by 97 points in the other 14 games. Not a model of consistency. So corrupt savior coach Pete Carroll does what any coach would do, he rebuilds. Who he'd start the rebuilding process with in order to stabilize the birds? Quarterback Tavaris Jackson, of course! Nothing says winning like signing a guy who has 24 Touchdowns, 22 interceptions, looks to scramble at the first sign of pressure, and lost his job because his previous employers talked a retired, gray-bearded, pill-addicted, wrangler-hawking, sideline reporter-sexting attention whore to come play QB for the year. How'd that work out for you Minnesota?!?!?!?! (don't click that link if you like "brettfavre") Of course, Pete Carroll aka "California Clueless", might just be tanking the season on purpose in a attempt to draft Andrew Luck. That'd be stupid like a fox. Might as well cash in on it. I wouldn't be surprised if Pete were betting the games himself in an attempt to pay off USC so he could show his face around campus again.

Tennessee Titans- New head coach Mike Munchak has no coaching experience, not even as a coordinator (see also: Singletary, Mike "Can't do it!"). Offensive coordinator Chris Palmer is known throughout the league, unfortunately for the wrong reasons: his offensive schemes are terrible. They're starting Matt Hasselbeck at quarterback. The only thing funnier is the reasoning. Hasselbeck will serve as a mentor to [rookie QB] Jake Locker, a guy who has a cannon for an arm, except he doesn't know where the ball is going. That's a recipe for NFL success [see also: Russell, Jamarcus; Boller, Kyle; and Leaf, Ryan]

Washington Redskins- 12 games decided by less than a touchdown with a 6-6 record in those games. Unfortunately in the other four games, they were outscored by 81 points! Owner Daniel Snyder is still spending shitloads of money. On the wrong people. In a [NFC-East] division where the other three teams do it better and with a lot more consistency. 'Skins fans thought Donovan McNabb was bad? Ladies and Gentlemen of the greater DC area, welcome to the Rex Grossman era!

How do I feel about the start of the season? Press Play!

Fall in...

Fall is the best. The sports, the weather, and the clothes. While Fall for most of us means back to school, back to work, etc, for the unfortunate who got rocked by hurricane Irene, it means cold weather on the horizon and putting life back together. Believe me, I have some friends in Vermont who lost almost every material possession.

2 advocates of clean closets

So if you're going to be enjoying some new Fall/Winter clothes this season, what better way to help some people out and kill two birds with one stone then to donate all the clothes you don't wear to people who need them? Go through your drawers and closets, look over your inventory, and if you hesitate on whether or not you still wear something, chances are you probably don't. Put in the bag, baby!

I did it over the weekend and it's nice to have some space. Plus, it gives you perspective on things, material and otherwise.

Click to find your nearest Goodwill or Salvation Army 

A Vintage Look on Technology

I was looking Etsy the other day.  It's an online community where people can buy/sell handmade & vintage supplies. I came across Yellow Glue Blues, cool store that sells iPhone and iPad amplification systems made out of wood! They're tasteful, unique, and less obtrusive looking than the Jetsons-type speaker system that's clogging your shelf/countertop. Click on the links to see more designs.

Koostik is another company that specializes in aesthetically pleasing amplification. Check 'em out!

(Bonus points if you knew it was "Take Five" by Dave Brubeck!)

And they have one for the night stand:


Of course, if you don't feel like spending the money, you can always fall back on this trusty tip I shared a few weeks ago! Either way, just don't listen to the sounds of silence, literally or figuratively.

Baller 3 year-old

What the hell do you call your brother in law's...brother? When they come up with that terminology, I'll utilize it. Whatever you call him, he's in Argentina doing some wine research. Obviously I'll keep you informed on his findings. It all starts with the people. Here is Matteo, a three year-old who packs a knife! (Waistband in right pic). Love his get-up and attitude. Viva Malbec!